Friday, March 13, 2015

The Cereal Allegory...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

Let's lighten up a little after those last 2 blogs.

Anybody else remember cereal variety packs from their childhood?
As one of three kids (sometimes 4 when my step sister stayed with us) we always found it hard to agree on which breakfast cereal we wanted.

My twin sisters were fond of the "Two against one, we win!" rule,
which I of course thought was complete crap!

This is where the variety pack would shine. Everybody could have what they wanted, and no-one "Won".

What was even better is you didn't need a bowl! That's right, any 5-year-old with a sharp knife and a spoon could eat right out of the box! And they were DESIGNED that way. They even had perforations showing you right where to cut. Hey, it was the 60's & 70's...don't judge!

As I got older and started dating and later married I developed a little thing I like to call "The Cereal Allegory". I try to impart this wisdom to men I meet that are thinking of getting married.

It goes something like this:

When you are dating, it's like you're eating from the variety pack.
You meet and date many different types of women.

Like "Rice Krispies". She's nice, interesting, but she just won't stop talking.

Or "Fruity Pebbles". She's colorful and sweet...almost too sweet and in the end lacks substance.

Then there's "All Bran". Kind of boring though you know she's good for you, you just need a little more excitement.

There's "Raisin Bran". "All Bran's" cousin...she's a little more put together, a little more hip drawing you in with her fancy clothes (Raisins). But in the end it's a soggy mess too.

"Frosted Flakes" may seem appealing. She starts out sweet, but underneath you realize she really IS a flake as she starts telling you about her first suicide attempt on your very first date. Yikes!

Then there's "Muesli". At first you get that really 'cool chick' vibe until you discover she's some new age hippie vegan that refuses to shave...

As a modern man of the world, you might even try "Coco Puffs"!

Eventually, you find what you believe to be the perfect breakfast cereal(woman), "Lucky Charms"!!!

Why is she perfect? Well, because she takes the boring every day(crappy oat cereal) and does special things(tasty marshmallows)
to make it all palatable.

What special things you may ask? Going to a movie she can't stand just because you want to see it. Surprise sex. Showing up at your place with a pizza, a six-pack, and a hummer because you've had a bad day at work. Those kinds of things.

So you say,"I'm In! That's it, I'm gonna sign a contract that I'm only gonna have "Lucky Charms" for the rest of my life!" And you Propose.

You get married and for a while everything is great, you slog through the crappy oat cereal because the tasty marshmallows make it all worth while!

But after a few years you start to notice there are more and more bits of crappy oat cereal and fewer and fewer tasty marshmallows.

Your single friends keep reminding you of the variety they are "Sugar Smacks" really likes that kind of thing and is all kinds of 50 Shades of Grey.

So you complain to management...

Management kindly reminds you that tasty marshmallows were not specified in your contract, and perhaps if you picked up your socks more often...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" you reply. "Tasty marshmallows were certainly implied if not exactly specified."

At which point she smiles, reminds you that you are free to break your contract at any time. It'll just cost you half of everything you own.
Plus child support.
And alimony.
And half your retirement.

So you suck it up, pick up your socks and move on.

Still wanna get married?

Thus concludes The Cereal Allegory.

Now, I'm sure there is a female corollary to all this...

Something to do with cards and flowers, moonlit walks along the beach and probably portion size.

But I'm a man and can only speak of that which I know.

So, before the hate mail starts to arrive please note this is all in good fun and not meant to hurt anyone's feelings nor are the specific girls based on anyone living or dead! 
Well maybe...but I'm not saying!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Be Well Folks!

Beastly Bear


  1. Hell, my first I didn't even get a marshmallow and still lost 1/2 of what I had.

    Great analogy!

    1. Sorry to here that joeh! Not a single marshmallow? Damn, that's a shame...

  2. Hahahahaha! Wow.. Now I have to figure out what cereal I was eating all those years.. It seemed like Lucky Charms at first, in fact, that was his favorite cereal, in the end though I may have just been eating the nuts outta' a box of Cracker Jacks!

  3. Hmmm, wonder which one you wold have been...Lol
    Probably something really Captain Crunch with "crunchberries" if you know what I mean. ;-)

  4. Those variety pack 'built in bowls' were kind of an epic fail in my opinion. I didn't like eating cereal out of a waxy wrapper with wax bits floating in the milk. I dumped it into a bowl. Usually 2-3 of them b/c one just wasn't enough. Seriously who eats a 1/4 cup of cereal? Even as a kid?

  5. See JoJo, I knew the female corollary would focus on "portion size"!!! Lol

  6. Variety is the spice of life and it seems you had your fair samplings of cereals, hence the cereal allegory. Love it Joseph!

    1. Well Hi Michelle!!! So good to see you again. Yes, I sampled heavily from the variety pack...that is all I will confirm or deny! Lol

  7. They all believe, but so few heed the warnings!

    1. So far my record for convincing single men to stay that way is: 0

  8. Lol! I loved eating the cereal out of the boxes and never noticed wax bits! We all end up wanting a little after a couple of years, so it's time to add a little something to the cereal - maybe some honey or maple syrup, berries, whatever will change it up a little. Loved the allegory and I believe it works both ways! ;)

    1. Hi Jennifer!
      I do too! I love your ideas of adding a little something to "change it up"! ;-)