Den of the Beastly Bear
Yes, it's true...I've finally joined A.A., but it's not what you think...
The first step, they say...is to admit that you have a problem.
So here goes:
"Hi everybody, my name's Joe....and I'm an Ass!"
I know I'm breaking one of the major tenants of Assholes Anonymous mainly the anonymous part...but I figure most of you know me anyway, so you're not surprised.
My wife has pointed out for years that I've had a "problem", but I always assumed it was simply a lack of humor on her part.
The defining moment came Sunday. We'd gone shopping and had stopped at Tony's for lunch, a restaurant famous for giant portions...I got a BLT.
A Pound of bacon between two 1"+ slices of bread, I skipped the whole sliced tomato and just went with lettuce and mayo.
The place was packed, and patrons were lined out the door waiting to be seated. As Momma Bear and I neared the doors to enter (after having patiently waited in line), Momma Bear looked in and said:
"Oh my God how cute! Look at those twins bouncing together in that booth!!! It's like they're synchronized."
I followed her line of sight to see these adorable little rapscallions...and what I saw made me laugh.
"What?" she demanded.
"Ummm Babe, that's a mirror!"
"Huh?" she asked and looked again.
The one end of the restaurant was totally mirrored to make the space appear larger than it was, the toddler was in a booth next to the mirrored wall...looking at his reflection and bouncing.
I laughed again as I watched realization strike and her face color a bit.
"You're an Ass!" she said softly, as we were near other people.
This, you understand is far from the first time that particular appellation has been applied...
Like the time we were painting the house.
When we bought our first place there was an 8'X8' wooden deck 4 foot tall leading up to our front door. It had a 3 foot railing built around three sides with an opening for the stairs. Built on a concrete slab it was not attached to the home, just butted up against it. We painted around the house. When we got to the deck it was decided the best course of action would be to move the deck away from the building proper, to paint unobstructed, then move it back.
Never having moved this deck, I had no idea how heavy it might be. Our neighbor Debbie was helping us paint. I told the girls it may take all three of us to slide it out. As we stood surveying the situation, Kathy asked Debbie if she'd like a Pepsi, and went inside to procure said sodas.
Being the "man of action" type (HEY! I HEAR YOU LAUGHING!!!), I decided to test its weight AND my ability to move it.
So I grabbed it in the center of one side, planted my feet, and gave a mighty heave!!!
To my surprise it moved...almost easily.
I took a side step and then another....
So thrilled with my success I moved to the other side and repeated the process.
I stepped back to admire my handy work, pleased with myself. I had single handedly moved the deck 24" away from the house, won't Kathy be pleased with m...Kathy....KATHY? OH SHIT!!!
Before I could raise my voice to shout a warning, the screen door popped open and Kathy stepped out...into nothingness!!!
Like Wile E. Coyote stepping off a cliff, she hung there a moment before crashing down between the house and deck with a squeal...drinks still tight in her fists!
As Debbie and I rushed to help her extricate herself from the cramped space I was hurrying an apology...
"Oh, Babe I'm sooooo sorry...I was just trying to see if I could move it without help...and it just moved so easy...I was gonna tell you, but you came out too fast...are you ok?!?"
The fact she was chuckling to herself in between the moans and groans was a good sign... "You're such an Ass" she got out finally.
We finished painting behind the deck and left it out so the paint wouldn't stick to it. Later that evening Tasha the wonder dog needed to go out, without thinking I just opened the screen door...and *bloop* there went the dog down between. As she came in I swear even the dog looked at me and thought "You're an Ass!"
Or there was the time we were going to the store, alongside the road near the State Park we saw one of these in the grass...
Now depending on where you're from you either call them Woodchucks, Groundhogs or Whistle Pigs...here in Michigan Woodchuck and Groundhog are used interchangeably.
Momma Bear points out the window and hurriedly says:
"Look at the Ground Chuck!!!" Inadvertently combining the terms....
"Where?" I asked. "Was it in a bun? Were the onions grilled or raw? Were there pickles???"
She gave me "The Look".
Fella's, you know the one...
"You're an Ass!"
From then on, every time we drove by there I'd ask:
"See any Ground chuck out today?"
"You're such an Ass!"
Or the lovely summer evening we were on a drive, windows down...when a car pulled up next to us at a stoplight. A Convertible, I could hear music playing from the other car.
Momma Bear looks out her window (the car was on her side) and leans over conspiratorially and whispers(?):
"I think the guy next to us is Deaf..."
"Deaf? Why do you think that?" I asked.
"Well because he's "signing" along with the music on the radio!!!"
"Then why are you whispering?"
"I don't know...habit I guess!" she answered.
"Unh Huh..." I said. "Let me ask you this...if he's Deaf how does he know what the words are? Or what song's on???"
She just stared at me a second..."Oh, my God!" she said putting her head in her hands.
"Now he may be mute, but I doubt he's Deaf..."
"I'm going back to my blonde highlights I think..." She said.
(Running joke. First time she came home from getting blonde highlights in her naturally brown hair I asked her if it hurt.
"Did what hurt?" she asked.
"When they sucked out half your brains..."
"You're an Ass!"
The REASON I'm an ass...well one reason, is that I remember...and don't let it die....and when I remind her...Well, I'm an ass.
That, and I think I'm way funnier than she does...
So...as we were leaving Tony's after finishing our lunch, waiting to pay...
I looked across the restaurant and leaned in to Momma Bear.
"Look at that old couple sitting in that booth over there..."
I whispered in her ear...
(They were sitting in the same booth by the mirror the toddler was in.)
"What about them?" She asked looking...I'm sure thinking I was going to say something romantic about that being us one day.
"Isn't that sweet?" I said "Twin Brothers married Twin Sisters!!!...AND they still dress alike!"
She turned around to grace me with a "full on" version of
"The Look" and said "You. Are. SUCH an ASS!!!"
Hence the joining of Assholes Anonymous.
So "bear" with me folks...
It's a process!