Den of the Beastly Bear
Morning Folks!
It's a ritual played out by couples everywhere, every day! Sometimes it's over quickly...other times it seems to take FOREVER to reach its climax!
Oh, no...it's not THAT!!! Geez, you guys have dirty minds so early in the day!
I'm talking about deciding what to eat!!!
You know how the ritual goes:
"What do you want for lunch?"
"I don't know, what do you want?"
"I don't care whatever you want!"
"How about tacos?"
"No, I don't want tacos!"
"Well, what do you want?"
"Whatever you want is fine!"
And on, and on, and...well you get the idea.
It really shouldn't be this hard, should it???
My ritual, however, is complicated my what I've dubbed "The Food Rules"!
"TFR" as we will refer to them from now on, are all the reasons why we can or cannot have a certain meal...according to my wife!
And they go far beyond a simple "I don't like pickles on my burger."
Now before you ladies start burning me in effigy, please note that not only do I write this with her full knowledge and consent! But that she herself suggested the topic!
TFR goes something like this:
Me: "Let's have Manwiches for lunch/dinner"
Her: "We can't, we don't have any Ruffles!"
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "Well you can't have Manwiches without Ruffles!"
Me: "We've got Lays..."
Her: "Nope, not the same...pick something else!"
Oh, it gets worse from there:
TFR: If you have meatloaf, you MUST have a baked potato and green beans!
TFR: But if you make chicken...well shame on you if you think a baked potato will do! No sir, it's mashed potatoes and corn or you'll be having something else!
TFR: Steak = Baked
TFR: Pork chops = Mashed and on a good day I can talk her into green peas, BUT only frozen, no cans!
This isn't Burger King...you don't get it your way...
There are RULES DAMMIT!!!
TFR: You can't have fried eggs without toast!
TFR: You can't have pancakes, unless you make bacon...out of bacon? NO PANCAKES FOR YOU!!!
Soup Nazi look out!!
TFR: You can't eat when you first get up...doesn't matter how long it's been since your last meal, if you eat when you first get up you'll get sick!
Don't blame me, it's the rule!
TFR: She cannot drink alcohol with her meal! Before...fine!
After? Good.
But not during!!!
Oh, but hor derves are fine...evidently there is a loophole for that!
I once made venison chili and used cubed meat, not ground! And I made it "Southwest style" and added black beans and a little corn! OMG!!! How it is that lightning did not strike me dead is a mystery hotly debated to this very day!
There are more...MANY more, but I lack the time and inclination to list them all. Again, you get the idea!
There are more...MANY more, but I lack the time and inclination to list them all. Again, you get the idea!
You see folks I've learned these rules the hard way over the past 26 years of marriage, as I am the predominant chef here at Casa Del Beastly Bear!
Me? I'm easy...I got just 3 rules:
1) Is it dead? If not, it should be!
2) If it's supposed to be hot, it should be.
3) If it's supposed to be cold, it should be.
And even then there are special exemptions for pizza, chicken, pork chops, or steak which are all good cold as well!
And rice pudding, which is also good warm!
That's it !!!
Well, except for tomatoes!!!
Don't even get me started on tomatoes!!!
Be Well Folks!
Beastly Bear
