Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Rules...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Morning Folks!
It's a ritual played out by couples everywhere, every day! Sometimes it's over quickly...other times it seems to take FOREVER to reach its climax!
Oh,'s not THAT!!! Geez, you guys have dirty minds so early in the day!

I'm talking about deciding what to eat!!!

You know how the ritual goes:
"What do you want for lunch?"
"I don't know, what do you want?"
"I don't care whatever you want!"
"How about tacos?" 
"No, I don't want tacos!" 
"Well, what do you want?"
"Whatever you want is fine!"
And on, and on, and...well you get the idea.

It really shouldn't be this hard, should it???

My ritual, however, is complicated my what I've dubbed "The Food Rules"! 
"TFR" as we will refer to them from now on, are all the reasons why we can or cannot have a certain meal...according to my wife!

And they go far beyond a simple "I don't like pickles on my burger."

Now before you ladies start burning me in effigy, please note that not only do I write this with her full knowledge and consent! But that she herself suggested the topic!

TFR goes something like this:
Me: "Let's have Manwiches for lunch/dinner"
Her: "We can't, we don't have any Ruffles!"
Me: "Huh?" 
Her: "Well you can't have Manwiches without Ruffles!"
Me: "We've got Lays..."
Her: "Nope, not the same...pick something else!"

Oh, it gets worse from there:

TFR: If you have meatloaf, you MUST have a baked potato and green beans!

TFR: But if you make chicken...well shame on you if you think a baked potato will do! No sir, it's mashed potatoes and corn or you'll be having something else!

TFR: Steak = Baked

TFR: Pork chops = Mashed and on a good day I can talk her into green peas, BUT only frozen, no cans!

This isn't Burger don't get it your way...
There are RULES DAMMIT!!! 

TFR: You can't have fried eggs without toast!

TFR: You can't have pancakes, unless you make bacon...out of bacon? NO PANCAKES FOR YOU!!! 
Soup Nazi look out!!

TFR: You can't eat when you first get up...doesn't matter how long it's been since your last meal, if you eat when you first get up you'll get sick! 
Don't blame me, it's the rule!

TFR: She cannot drink alcohol with her meal! Before...fine!
After? Good. 
But not during!!! 
Oh, but hor derves are fine...evidently there is a loophole for that!

I once made venison chili and used cubed meat, not ground! And I made it "Southwest style" and added black beans and a little corn! OMG!!! How it is that lightning did not strike me dead is a mystery hotly debated to this very day!

There are more...MANY more, but I lack the time and inclination to list them all. Again, you get the idea!

You see folks I've learned these rules the hard way over the past 26 years of marriage, as I am the predominant chef here at Casa Del Beastly Bear!

Me? I'm easy...I got just 3 rules:
1) Is it dead? If not, it should be!
2) If it's supposed to be hot, it should be.
3) If it's supposed to be cold, it should be.
And even then there are special exemptions for pizza, chicken, pork chops, or steak which are all good cold as well!
And rice pudding, which is also good warm!
That's it !!!
Well, except for tomatoes!!! 
Don't even get me started on tomatoes!!!

Be Well Folks!

Beastly Bear


  1. Buuuaahhhh....I will have to remember this...cause we also do the what do you want routine...although I am not sure that we are on the same page with the potatoes! haha
    usually do mashed with meatloaf, agreed on the mashed and corn with chicken, definitely baked with steak, yep on the mashed with pork chops (unless I southern it up, and make em fried) and no canned peas here gotta be frozen, fried eggs and toast are good...but I would prefer biscuits and gravy with those...=) then the they come with a side of fried eggs, and usually bacon, but sometimes both bacon and sausage (since I am the sausage queen and he is the bacon king). And I definitely would like the venison chili recipe! sounds awesome! And love cold pizza for breakfast! and IF there is any steak, pork chops left over here (doesn't happen often lol) I have been known to eat em cold. So see...your rules really aren't that different..;)

  2. Okay, first all, my food rule would be no flippin' manwhiches - PERIOD. That's disgusting. Second, who doesn't have mashed potatoes n' brown gravy with meatloaf?? Oh well, this could go on and on.. Who doesn't drink a beer with their burger - rare, knock the horns off but leave it mooing, same with steak. - Or wine with their pasta?? And I've never heard of not eating when you first get up, although I typically wait for brunch. I'm not a breakfast eater but it has nothing to do with getting sick.. Not a fan of canned veggies either and cubed meat in chili is awesome. - With love and respect from the bottom of my toes to the top of my head, I'm sorry, your wife is weird - but then she married you, so... ;)
    Another great post. See. I knew you'd be awesome at this!

    1. Ok, in our defense we make our Manwiches with 99% fat free ground turkey, on lite buns. It's good Karen, I swear! Lol
      Kathy says "Be careful, or I'll ship his ass out to you, see how YOU like it!!! You think he's funny? Try living with him everyday!!! Lol
      And don't even think of sending him back!!!"
      Good thing she loves me huh? ;-)

  3. Oh I am all up in those Manwichs and ya do need Ruffles. Sloppy Joe Bear I'm with Mama Bear on that!

    1. But would you rather go hungry than eat your Manwich without them? There's a difference between "I prefer to have Ruffles with them" and "I won't eat them without Ruffles!"
      Thanks again for stopping by MA!

  4. My mom was a food nazi...I would always have to listen to her give me crap about using butter on vegetables or potatoes, 'that's fattening. It's good plain with some pepper and less calories'. No food rules in my house, except rules due to health reasons like keeping the sugars/carbs down and limited sodium.

    1. I feel for you JoJo!!! I grew up in a home where Mom looked in the cupboard and fridge and threw together a dinner out of what we had, or what Dad wanted. "Making pork chops, you want X, Y, or Z with them?"
      Thanks for stopping by JoJo!

  5. LMAO!! Oh my! I think I like your rules a lot better. The other is just way too complicated. It would drive me insane! ♥♥♥

    1. Thanks for dropping by Kathy, on the other hand it simplifies meal planning! Lol

  6. I am thankful for many things and right now? Thankful that I didn't marry the male version of your lovely wife! I am not one to repeat hardly any food combinations. Had mashed yesterday with meatloaf? Today we have leftover meatloaf, lightly grilled with a slab of cheese and some sweet tater fries. I like variety and nothing better than new recipes!
    Now manwiches? NO. Make your own. Canned crap is crap! It takes less time to make your own than to open the stupid can of who knows what? Ruffles? Rarely found in my house, but that's because if they're here, I am going to finish them at the same sitting that they were opened. I have no control and I cannot stop until they are gone.

    1. Hi Jo, thanks for dropping by! I know what you mean, I can go to the fridge and throw together a meal out of almost anything. Mama Bear on the other hand is much less experimental. When I introduced her to Chinese food (yes we've been together that long) it took her years to try something new, other than what I first had her try.