Sunday, July 13, 2014

Things you can't unsee...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

It's been warm and muggy here the last week or so, the kind where even fans seem to have no effect.

Momma Bear and I had some shopping to do for a nephew's birthday, and even the a/c in the stores seemed to offer little relief.

As we were heading home, I noticed that a bar/restaurant we used to frequent had been turned into a Fireworks store. Not really all that surprising as it had been sitting vacant for a year or more...
Fireworks stores are all the rage here in Michigan as of late...the state has recently lifted it's near-ban on anything and everything fireworks related that was any fun at all!

Oh sure we were allowed sparklers, and smoke bombs, and those stupid little ash "snakes". But anything else that: 
1) moved 
2) exploded 
3) left the ground 
was forbidden.

This is not to say we didn't have them, just that they were illegal as Hell!

Inevitably there would be some characters that made the pilgrimage South every year, loaded up their pick-up or hoopty or whatever else would roll and load up. Come back to Michigan and resell them at a huge profit. Such is the way of the Black Market.

One such purveyor of illicit fireworks was a guy named "Sam".
Sam was a regular customer at Gell's, the sporting goods store I worked at all through High School and beyond.

Of middling years, Sam was a swarthy fellow of Russian/Ukrainian decent. Salt had started to leak into his dark hair. A large, balding yet hairy guy of about six feet. He weighed in the neighborhood of 350 lbs. if he weighed an ounce. He was not large "all over" as some big men (like myself) are. No, Sam looked like a normal person you stuck an enormous belly on! He wore what hair he had left slicked down, and every time I saw him he had a red bandanna rolled up and tied around his neck, knot to the side...which always made me think "Gypsy". That, and he always had the stub of a fat cigar in the corner of his mouth, never lit.

Sam had a live-in girlfriend named "Christi"...and a couple kids between them.

Christi's hair was blonde, which she wore long with squared off bangs. Where Sam was swarthy, she was pale as meringue, blue veins visible beneath the skin...
A turned up nose and tiny deep-set eyes lent her face a certain "porcine" appearance. In fact, some of the cruder guys used to call her "Miss Piggy".

She was of a height with Sam, and truthfully looked like she could take him in a fair fight. Christi was a big woman...everywhere.
She had enormous breasts that never sagged. Why? There was nowhere for them to go!!! Like Sam, she had an extremely large, protuberant belly that left them nowhere to go.

One day Sam and Christi sauntered in... 
I say sauntered, because wherever he went...when Sam walked in a place, he walked in like he owned it! 

"Hey Kid!" he called in greeting though he was still halfway across the store. He knew my name, but only resorted to using it in the direst of circumstances.

"Hey Sam!" I called back...

"I gots a question for you and da like fireworks?"

"Hell yeah!" I replied with youthful enthusiasm.

"Haz I got a deal for you guyz!" Sam stopped and looked over both shoulders to make sure he wouldn't be overheard. This always made me laugh. For even whispering, Sam was about as quiet as a freight train.

Satisfied he wasn't under any unwanted scrutiny, he continued.

"Had a guy, put in an order for a ton a shit. I go gets it all, and when I get back he starts the "I didn't know it'd be so much" and "I ain't got that kind o'money" so I tells him to piss off....Mother Scratcher!"
("Mother Scratcher" being Sam's coined, personal phrase....never heard it before or since.) 

"How much did he order?" I asked.

"Three bills worth! Now I ain't got time to sell it proper, get all my money out of it. But you guyz wants it, I'll let ya have it for $150 which is what I got into it." Sam said.

Well for guys that were making $65 a week part time...that was a lot of scratch.

"I'll talk to the guys Sam, see what they say...when do you need to know by?"

"You ask around, give me a call at this number..." He picked up one of the many notepads lying around, produced a pen and wrote down his number. "Let me know by Friday, or I'll have to make other arrangements."

So, I talked with the Assistant Manager Bruce was throwing a 4th. of July party and said he'd go in half if we could come up with the rest. I was able to, so I called Sam.

Sam gave me directions to his house, and a time to meet him...I got volunteered to make the "buy", as I was still a minor. I know, for a guy that planned to go into Law Enforcement this was not necessarily moral high ground....but it wasn't smuggling heroin either! Lol

I found the house easy enough, it was in a slightly less than middle-class neighborhood. Two stories of brick with white siding and black trim and faux shutters. It was HOT that day, and I was thankful I'd had the a/c recharged on my car.

The heat and humidity were like a slap in the face as I opened my door and made my way up the walk, and I felt a bead of sweat roll down between my shoulder blades.  A screen door was all that barred my entrance and I rapped loudly, as I could hear a television on in the back of the house.

My mind and eyesight wandered as I waited...watching the heat mirage boil up off the street.

"Hi Joe," a female voice said.

I turned back to the door and almost fell off the stoop in shock.
There stood Christi in nothing but a matching set of nude silk bra and panties!!! The largest of which I'd ever seen!

Her hair was matted to her head with sweat, and her face glistened with perspiration. The bottom of the bra was discolored with wetness, and salt stains showed it had at least retreated somewhat.
Sweat had also leaked from between her ample cleavage and down her belly to dampen the top of the panties just below her exposed belly button.

I averted my eyes immediately...blushing.

"I'll let Sam know you're here, come on in..." she said holding the door for me. As soon as I was inside she started for the back of the house, and I could see that dampness had also darkened the back of the panties around the waistline...and they were a little "low" if you catch my drift.

"SAM!!! JOE'S HERE!!! GET HIM HIS STUFF!!!" she bellowed as she went. 


Sam appeared from a hallway off to the left and I was again taken aback. For there stood Sam in nothing but a pair of dingy, once white "tightie whities", bandanna and slippers. Holding a bottle of beer, cigar stub stuck in his mouth.

He was undoubtedly the hairiest man I had ever seen! The hair stood 3" above his shoulders and across his chest. Slicked down the center of his chest and wet from his man boobs to his belly button with sweat. He moved his beer to his left hand, wiped his right on his underwear and stuck it out for me to shake.

"Hey Kid, how ya doin'? Hotter'n a Mother Scratcher ain't it?"

Not wanting to give offense to a man in his own home, I shook the proffered hand.

"Sure as Hell is!" I replied, trying to look anywhere but at Sam.

I wiped my own hand on my pants discretely after the shake. 

"I got most of it in two grocery bags, the rest is in dis box," He said, kicking a box next to the couch with one slippered foot. "You got my money, yeah?"

"Sure do..." I took it out and counted it, giving me somewhere else to look. Sam took the cash and tucked it into the waistband of his underwear.

Christi came in with two, handled paper grocery bags and handed them to me.
"I told you to get his stuff..." She admonished Sam.

"I had a beer..." He told her, to me Sam said.

"You take the bags, and I'll carry the box for you..." 

"Ummmm I can come back up for it Sam, you don't have to come out..." I said.

"Nonsense," He replied "you guyz really helped me out taking all this off my hands...least I can do is help ya carry it."

With that he set down his beer, and squatted down to pick up the box.

"You're coming out like that?" I asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"Uhhh, never mind"

We walked out to my car, I opened the trunk and set the bags inside.
Then I turned to Sam, took the box and placed it in the trunk. I slammed the lid closed and turned back to Sam...and got another shock!

When Sam had squatted, the fabric of the underwear already straining at it's load...had gaped open to allow Mr. Winky to make a run for it!!!!

Sam, of course was oblivious...hanging out for God and all the world to see!

"Hey, Um...Ah, Sam..." I stammered, pointing towards his crotch.

He looked puzzled for a moment then looked down.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!!!" He exclaimed, tucking himself back in with his right hand.

"Sorry bout that..." He said

"Well, I best get going..." I said.

"Sure, sure..." Sam said. "And thank the guyz for me again."
He stuck out his hand again...I just looked at it for a second.

"Not this time..."

"Oh, yeah....right!!!" He laughed uproariously, and gave me a pat on the shoulder that rocked me. "Enjoy!"

With that he made his way back inside, his slippers slapping as he went.

He and Christi waved from the door as I backed out the drive.

I drove over to the store to divvy up the fireworks, feeling guilty and more than a little unclean...

When I got to the store, the guys wanted a full rundown on where Sam lived, what the house was like...everything.

I started the story with this:
"You know, there are just some things you can't unsee..."

Hope you Mother Scratchers are having a great Weekend!!!

Keep cool!

Be Well Folks!!!


  1. Great story! Fireworks were part of my childhood...I don't think I knew whether they were legal or not. They're illegal here now but it doesn't seem to stop anyone from shooting them off in their own back yards!

    1. Hi Stephanie, thanks for stopping back by! Always nice to see a familiar face!
      Glad you liked to story! Hope it made you laugh...or at least cringe a little!

    2. OMG JOE, this is so funny, been cracking up for 10 min. Now, funny funny, but I am easily amused

    3. Glad you liked it Sharon, and that it gave you a laugh!!!

  2. This is so funny. I can certainly understand you felt unclean after leaving Sam's house. You write these witty stories so well that I get clear imagery from them.

    1. Thank you Michelle! So happy to see you again!!!
      Your kind words are so very welcome!!!

  3. I think I threw up in my throat a little.......

    1. Sorry JoJo!!! Lol
      Imagine how I felt...

  4. O M G! HA HA HA HA I bet you just about DIED to be greeted and treated to that! Holy crap! I am just laughing myself silly! HA HA HA

    1. Young and impressionable...I was never the same!!! Lol

  5. Uh... I wandered in from Mimi's... Didn't mean to...uh...disturb you....

    1. Welcome Christopher!!! Hope you stop by again...feel free to take a look around.
      Good to see a new face!!!

  6. Aaaaaannnnnddddddd - DISSSSSSSSSSSSGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. I thought this might remind you of "creepy neighbor" in Traverse! Lol

  7. Hilarious and I'm laughing because of where I am from. That'd be WV and as embarrassing as it is to say it this is really common in these parts. I pictured him telling you me George, you friend! :)

    1. Lol GG I was really taken aback....that was a first for me!!!