He did what?

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

My Mothers boyfriend Jerry passed away a couple years ago now, though as they say "No-one really dies as long as someone remembers them".

And remember Jerry we do! 

One of Jerry's more endearing qualities was his absolute abuse of the English language!

Like when I put a cap on my Chevy El Camino, Jerry says:

"All you need now is to get one of those carpet Rembrandts, cut it to fit and that'll be real nice for hauling stuff..."

"A What?" Why would I put a 17th. century Dutch painter in the back of my El Camino??? I was confused...

"A carpet rembrandt, you know...what they got left over from a roll..."

"You mean a remnant?"

"Yeah, That's what I said..." 

Oh boy...

Or the time I needed a new catalytic converter for my car.

Jerry said "Those cap-ta-lic-tic converters are pretty expensive, you should just replace it with a straight pipe." Mind you this was before they really buckled down on emissions!

Jerry was also the biggest fan of Cabelas Sporting Goods that ever lived!!! Except he couldn't say their name right to save his life...depending on which day he asked you it was "Hey, you wanna run over to Carbalas/Garbelas/Capelas/Cabballas etc."

These things, plus a hundred others make me think of him almost every single day! He was with her over thirty years after all, and was like a step father to us.

But one of the weirdest, and funniest things he ever did...I was just reminded of today.

Mama Bear has some nice jewelry I've bought her over the years, and they have a lifetime warranty on them. As long as you bring them in to the jeweler for a regular cleaning/inspection. So today she asked me if I would drop her off at the mall so she could have that done.

"Oh, I'll drop you off alright..." I said.

"AND wait for me...you think you're soooooo funny..." 

Let's face it folks, I am!  :-D

I snickered...

"Ok, JERRY!!!"

Now, why she would hurl that particular name at me...has become "Legend" in our family!

You see, only a notch below Cabelas on Jerry's list of favorite places in the world, is Bass Pro Shop!

One evening Jerry had a particular need of something from Bass Pro Shop, located at our local Mall. My Mother, knowing Jerry's propensity for getting "lost" in Bass Pro Shop asked if he'd drop her at "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" while he shopped. He did, with the understanding that when he was done he would come and pick her up.

Now, turning my Mother loose in "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" is like turning a kid loose in a candy shop! My Mom is the person the term "Shop like a woman" was invented to describe...she will look at EVERYTHING!!! No matter how small the dodad, how obscure the knick-knack, how odd the dohicky my Mom will need to pick it up, turn it over and inspect it's every facet before moving on...

And "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" is just chock full of dodads, knick-knacks, and dohickys!!!

I was at work, on second shift (and hating it)...so Kathy and Kaitlin were home alone.

About 9 o'clock the phone rings, the caller ID says it's my Mom's house...so Kathy answers the phone:

"Hello?"

"Hi Kath," Jerry says "Have you heard from Joe's mom?"

Bewildered Kathy answers "Noooooo, should I have?"

"Well, I was just wondering...I dropped her at Bed, Bath, and Beyond when I went to Bass Pro. When I was done I went to pick her up and couldn't find her...so I came home. I thought she might have called."

"You WHAT?!?" Kathy asked

"I came home...she wasn't where she said she was going to be and I wasn't searching the mall for her so I came home!"

"Did you go in and look for her?" Kathy asked.

"I walked through that whole store...she wasn't there, so I left!" 

Now if you knew Jerry, you would understand just how unlikely that is...

"Oh God," Kathy said "are you going back up there?"

"Nope...that's why I wondered if you'd heard from her."

"I'll run up there and see if I can find her..." She said as she hung up.

Kaitlin asked "What's up?"

"Jerry left Grandma at Bed, Bath, and Beyond...I'm gonna go get her and take her home, you wanna come with me?"

"Hell no!!! Grandma's gonna be pissed!!! I don't even want to be there for that!" Katie said.

So, off Kathy goes to the mall...parks near Bed, Bath, and Beyond's outside entrance and went in.

A couple isles in, there was my Mom.

"Mom?" Kathy said

"Oh HI Kathy!!! Fancy meeting you here...you out shopping too?"  Mom replied

"Not really," Kathy says "I'm here to take you home..."

"Take me home???" Mom was confused "I'm just waiting on Jerry...he's down at Bass Pro Shop."

"Um, no he's not....he's home"

"Home? Who's home?"

"Jerry, he said he couldn't find you so....he went home."

"Well I've been right here...he went home?!?"

"He says he came in and looked for you, couldn't find you so he left..." Kathy explained.

"Oh for God's sake...like he came in here....I just don't know about that man..."

To say Mom was a little "put out", would be a MAJOR understatement!!! The longer she thought about it, the madder she got...by the time Kathy got her home she was ready to spit nickles!!!

So Kathy took Mom home...wisely choosing to drop her at the front door rather than going in. 

When I called home after lunch, Kathy told me all about it...

All I could say was "He did WHAT?!?"

So today when I told Kathy I'd drop her off.......
She invoked the legend of Jerry leaving my Mom at the Mall...with the implied threat that I should never think of doing the same...hahaha!

Be Well Folks!!

Beastly Bear

First loves...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

Some guys and I were talking at work tonight about first loves...

Tom told me about his, how when he first laid eyes on that body he was transfixed!

Matt told me of the way his made him feel, she excited him like nothing ever had!

I had to tell them how mine got away...and how it made me sick to my stomach! Angry and hurt, and I never got over it...

Let me tell you how we met.

After my car accident, I was driving a 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger in Olive Drab paint...imagine if an army tank slept with Grandma's sedan, their offspring would have been that car. With a 1 barrel, 198 c.i. slant-six it couldn't get out of it's own way! We paid $50 for it, from a guy whose Mother was too old to drive...yeah, it was one of those.

Embarrassed of my crappy car, I wasn't dating much...

A guy my Mother worked with, said he knew a gal that would be perfect for me, and she should bring me over to meet her. He told my mother of her unsurpassed beauty, classy and mild mannered...a perfect match for a young man. Mom asked if I was interested...

Well, Duh!

When the day arrived I was excited, I couldn't believe my luck...ladies like her were few and far between. Normally out of my league, I couldn't believe I had a chance with her...

As we pulled into the driveway he came out of the house to greet us, he told us she was in the barn with the horses and he'd take us out to meet her.

We entered the barn, which was dimly lit...shafts of light showing swirling dust motes, and smelling of clean hay.

He led us around a corner and there she was...the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in all my 17 years!

A 1974 black on black Pontiac Firebird Formula!

Oh My God!!! I was in Love!!!

My Mom didn't know a lot about cars, she told me it was this fellows wife's car. She didn't like the normal hood so he'd gotten a fiberglass hood in an "L Eight Eighty" style she told me. I could see now it was in fact an L88 style hood, like on hot rod Corvettes!

He'd removed the original exhaust and replaced it with 4" flat black sidepipes that ended just before the rear tires. He'd also replaced the standard gearshift with a Hurst short throw shifter, on the 4-speed manual tranny. My Mom couldn't remember what size engine was in it "but it ends in two letters, like O.H., or H.D. or maybe H.O....

When I popped the hood, it was in fact a 455 c.i. H.O. (high output for you non-car folks) that he'd dressed up with chromed valve covers, chromed air filter housing, even a chromed master cylinder cover!!!

His wife wanted a new car, and he was willing to make us a deal on this one, for $3,700.00! Quite a bit of money for a guy with a $3.75 an hour job, but if Mom would co-sign a loan...

Oh MAN, I'd be the King of my High School!!!!

"Whadya think?" he asked...as if he didn't know.

"She's a beaut!" I said "can we start'er up?"

"Sure," he said and tossed me the keys.

Herein lay the problem, while I knew in theory how to drive a stick at that time I'd never actually driven one.

But I DID know how to start it!

As I pushed in the clutch and moved the shifter to neutral, he told me:

"Put in a competition clutch too, when it needed a new one, higher lift cams and a 750 cfm double pumper carb...she drives and shifts like a dream..."

I turned the key and she rumbled to life, and I couldn't keep the grin off my face...

"I don't know what all that means," Mom said "but I think he likes it!"

"I do Ma, I really do!!! Can we get it?!? Please?" I begged, yes I begged! I'm not too proud to admit it.

"We haven't even driven it yet, and you don't know how...I'll take it for a drive to make sure it drives OK, and everything works..."

"There's not a thing wrong with this car, I wouldn't do that to you..." My ally told her.

"Still, I'll feel better if I drive it first...to be sure." Mom said.

"OK, let me get the door...I got some other goodies I'll let you guys have, I'll show your son what all I've got until you get back.  I got receipts and service records, the original window sticker...all kinds of stuff."

He began the "show and tell" as Mom eased her out of the barn, down the driveway and out into the street. Oh what a sound she made as she accelerated down the street.

I was collecting quite a bit of loot as Mom pulled back in the driveway some 15 mins. later. 

I knew something was amiss as soon as she got out of the car...

She held the keys out to her friend, and he put out a palm to accept them.

"Well?" He said "nice ride huh?!?"

She looked past him, to me...looked back at him, in the the eye and slowly said:

"No...Fucking...Way! No Fucking Way you're selling him that car!!!"

I was stunned...I'd never heard my Mother use the "F word" in anything less than in the peak of utmost anger before...never conversationally!!!

"Why not? What's wrong with it?" I asked

"You'll kill yourself in that car...or worse yet, someone else! That car is WAY too fast for you...and YOU, " she said rounding on the owner "you should have your fucking head examined for trying to sell that, that... BEAST to a 17 year old boy!!!"

With that, she turned on her heel and marched back to our car...

He looked at me "Sorry chief, looks like that's a no sale" he said, and shook my hand.

And that was the last time I saw her...I loved her, and lost her, before she was even mine...and I was sick over it!

I've never forgotten her...even now, some 34 years later I can still see her sitting there, a black beauty beckoning me to a life of thrills and adventure!!!

It's true, you never forget your first love...

Be Well Folks!!!

Beastly Bear

Disgruntled Bear...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

I'm a disgruntled Beastly Bear today...well, have been for a couple days.

Over the weekend I found out my Mother got a call from the police....let me explain.

My Mother had a long time boyfriend, and by long time I mean over thirty years. His name was Jerry.

Jerry used to work with my mom, and I really considered him my Step-father. Jerry was a Pontiac police officer during the '68 riots, was shot in the line of duty and eventually left the force for a job at the local natural gas company. The pay was better, and nobody shot at you! Through his contacts in the law enforcement community, he did remain a part time Conservation Officer.

Jerry started dating my mom, my junior year of high school and we hit it off immediately what with he having been a cop, and me wanting to be one.

She started seeing him not long after my accident and was there to help talk me down when it all became too much and I had my meltdown.

We shared a love of guns and hunting, fishing and the outdoors. We even started a home business J&J Guns.

He got the Federal Firearms License, I used my knowledge.

It was the ideal business, we got our stuff at dealer cost, and we could make a few bucks getting stuff for others.

When Michigan became a "Shall Issue" state, Jerry and I were among some of the first in line to get our carry license.

About 10 years ago Jerry bought a S&W 360PD revolver as a carry gun. It was a small frame, hammerless .357 magnum 5 shot. 

It's claim to fame was a frame made of Scandium with a Titanium cylinder. This created an ultra lightweight (11.4 ounces) compact carry gun.

Unfortunately these high tech metals made this a pricey weapon, carrying a $300 premium over a comparable stainless steel gun.

7 years ago Jerry had left the gun in his truck in my mom's driveway in a very safe neighborhood. The next morning, to his horror his truck had been broken into and his gun was gone!

The police were called, reports taken, serial number recorded. We all knew, in all likelihood he'd never see his weapon again.

We lost Jerry two years ago after a long battle with lung cancer. He passed at my mothers home, his daughter, my mom, my wife and I around him.

Estranged from both his son, and his brother Jerry left most of the guns he had not sold off to me. A couple he wanted his daughter and her husband to have, and the rest my mother kept.

So Friday my mother gets a call from the police, asking for Jerry. She explains that he is deceased and asks what this is about. The officer says they have recovered Jerry's gun, and they'd like to return it. If not to Jerry, then to his family/estate (which my mother is executor of) or it will be destroyed.

So my mother tells them to go ahead and destroy it!!!!

To say I was less than pleased would be an understatement.

So she says "Well I didn't know what crimes it might have attached to it."

I told her "Mom, if it HAD crimes attached to it...they wouldn't be returning it to you, it would be evidence.

You don't get those back usually. They probably pulled somebody over and found it on them, ran the serial number and found it was stolen."

"Well it's 'tainted' anyway, I didn't want it..."

"Mom, that's not a cheap piece of shit gun...those are well over a thousand dollars these days! If you didn't want it, maybe someone else did! Even if you didn't want anybody in the family to have it, you could have walked into any gun shop and turned it into $600 cash in a heartbeat!"

"Well I didn't even remember what it was...and there was no one here to ask." 

That's the little "you never come to see me" guilt dig, even though I do and we take her out almost every week.

"That's when you say "let me call you back", and you call me!!! You don't say "just destroy it"!!!"

"Well I wasn't feeling good, and they just caught me at a bad time..."

Oh for Gods sake!!!

"It's been gone 7 years Ma, another day or two wasn't going to make a difference... They didn't need an answer "right NOW"!!!"

"Well what's done is done..."

Arrrrrrggggghhh!!!!

As she said, what's done is done...would I have liked to have it back? You bet! Mostly just because it was Jerry's. He had tried talking me into getting one when he got his, but it was too much money for too small a benefit ratio for me. 

But it would have been a nice remembrance.

Be Well Folks!

Beastly Bear