Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mothers go where angels fear to tread...

Den of the Beastly Bear

Hi Folks!

Happy Mothers Day!!!

Sorry I was off a couple days...places to go, people to see and all that! Plus my lovely wife turned 21 AGAIN on the 9th. and I thought it safest to spend my time with her rather than writing! I mean if my writing generated George R.R. Martin money, I'm sure she'd be fine with it! Lol...

So today we honor mothers, young mothers, old mothers, Grandmothers...this is their day.

Should we not honor them all year round?
Oh sure they make us crazy at times...lord knows my Mother has me, perhaps more commonly than most.

Yet always, her heart has been in the right place.

I could bore you all with the myriad kind and wonderful things my mother has done for me over the years...but where would be the fun in that?

Instead, I'll relate a time when my mother embarrassed me....almost unto death!!!

I had been dating a girl a few years my elder, and we did those things young people in love are prone to doing.

My mother, always being a practicable woman admonished me from the time such thoughts bestirred my mind, that gentlemen ALWAYS wear condoms!

Wanting to be a gentleman, I took these words to heart.

Of course, keeping them where they would be most at hand I kept them under the seat of my truck.

Things ran their course, as young love often does...and soon I was single again.

For months they remained under my seat, out of sight and ostensibly out of mind.

I graduated from High School and started working full time, with little time for chasing skirts.

Eventually, I met another girl, this one a couple years my junior. This made her a young lady of 16 years to my 18.

We had gone out, but a couple of times, when a trip to Michigan's Upper Peninsula bear hunt briefly derailed our romance.

My best friend Bradley and his Father drove their motor home up for us to stay in and thus my truck was left parked at home. You can read a little of our misadventures there, here.

For ten days, I walked and stalked the woods of Northern Michigan with naught on my mind but shooting a bear! But upon my return, my thoughts returned to that sunny-haired girl and the way she looked at me! *sigh*

Returning on a Sunday, I found myself home alone.
Mom and Jerry were out with their friends in the Goldwing Roadriders motorcycle club, enjoying the beautiful day.

My sisters out and about with their boyfriends.

So I called my girl and jumped in the shower.

Clean and shaved, hair done and cologne added, I hopped in my truck and went to get her.

We grabbed a bite of dinner, and then decided we'd head back to my house to hang out and relax.

As we pulled into the driveway, I could see that Mom and Jerry had returned...the garage door was up, lawn chairs arranged around 6 full dress Goldwings.
The ladies occupied the chairs, as the men folk busied themselves wiping off dirt and polishing chrome!

My mother got up and went into the house as we exited the vehicle and walked up to the group, probably getting refreshments.

I recognized them all, as they had all been to the house numerous times before...I considered them my friends as well, as I had been allowed to join the group riding on several occasions though not a member nor a Goldwing owner.

I made the introductions, and God love him...Jerry tried to warn me!!!

But I was too pleased showing off my new girlfriend (with but few exceptions, I've always dated above my station)!!! 

His subtle gestures and eye movements should clearly have screamed "RUN!" had I noticed, all went unheeded.

Mom came "stomping" out of the house...that's the best way to describe refreshments in sight...marched into the circle of her friends, raised her arm and holding something above her head said:

"What the FUCK IS THIS?!?!?" As she hurled to the ground, my open box of Trojan™ ribbed condoms!!!

As the box hit the ground...
Hurled with sufficient force to split open upon contact with the pavement and scattering condoms across the driveway! My new girlfriend's face froze in horror!

Birds stopped singing, cars screeched to a halt, even the clouds in the sky arrested their trek to oblivion... the silence was deafening!!!

"I.....we...I mean, we never.....I SWEAR!!! I've never seen those before!" She stammered and turned on me... "Where did those come from???"

Feeling every once of blood in my body rush to my face, I tried to deflect... "Mom, can we talk about this later?"

But she was having none of it, fully into one of those piques of anger I've previously mother was having a full blown conniption fit!

"We're gonna talk about it right FUCKING NOW!!!"

"Well, can we at least discuss it in the house???" I said, scooping up the condoms and leading my girlfriend through the garage and into the kitchen. Mom, hot on our heels!

I asked my gal to wait in the kitchen as I kept walking, upstairs to my Mother's room. When she came in, I closed the door.

I had started out mortified but was getting madder the longer I thought about the situation...

"First of all," I asked, "what were you doing snooping in my truck???"

Side note: this has never been adequately explained, Mom tried to throw my sisters under the bus by saying they had found them after she had sent them to see if I had any clothes in my truck that needed to be washed, and brought them in to her...right. My sisters maintain... it was solely my mother that went snooping in my truck just to see what she could see, with me gone for 10 days and no chance of catching her.

"That's not important!" She said, "What are you doing with those?!?"

"Mom, you always told me, if ever I was to be sexually active to always wear a condom...I'm doing what you told me...why are you freaking out?!?"

"Joseph Robert!!!! She's sixteen years old!!! What the fuck are you thinking???"

"Mom, please keep your voice down...I didn't buy them for her...remember the last girl I was dating??? The OLDER girl??? We had been discussing it, and I thought I would buy a box just in case. You know, be you told me. We didn't even use them..." I lied.

"Then WHY IS ONE MISSING????" she countered.


I dug out my wallet and pulled out the one stored there, and held it up for her to see. Thank God for brand loyalty!!! Not the time to tell her we were on our third box...

"Oh...." Mom said....all the steam running out of her.
"Well, I guess...I just never thought...I was just surprised is all..."

"I was doing what you asked..." I said.

"I know...I know...but I still don't have to like it.."

"I've got some major explaining to do downstairs now...I won't be surprised if this is the very last time you'll be seeing her..."

"Sorry about that...but I was mad!"

"Yeah, I got that..."

So...Mom went back to her friends and I went down to face my new girlfriend and do some very fast talking!!!

I gave her the selfsame explanation as what I gave my mother and to her credit she accepted it and we moved on.

Despite the mortifying start to our relationship, she went on to be the most serious relationship I had until I met my wife! We were together for five years off and on.

So there you have it...the most embarrassing thing my mother ever did to me!!! Hope it gave you a laugh or at least made you cringe...
And keep in mind...this was the MOST embarrassing, certainly not the ONLY embarrassing thing!!! Lol

Be Well Folks!

Beastly Bear


  1. Cringe, definitely a cringe!

    1. Tell me about it joeh, took months before I could look those friends in the eye again...

  2. I just decided I'm glad my son doesn't blog. ❤️

  3. I love this story, but I kept getting hung up on"hair done" part, having seen pictures of your Conway Twitty do's; I have to wonder how long it took to accomplish this?

    Too funny, I bet you if you left your car parked there now for 10 days she would still search it!

    1. Ah Jen....pre Conway....parted on the side, ala senior picture!!! Not that

  4. Despite that embarrassing situation she sounds like a great and cool mom, unlike mine. One of my high school friends told me that every time her then-high school age son left to go out with a girlfriend, or even if it was a group of fco-ed riends leaving her house together, she'd shout after him, or them, 'Remember, don't be a fool, wrap your tool!' lmao

    1. For the most part growing up she was a pretty cool Mom, just every know and then she'd lose her mind of something, and ya never quite knew about what! :-)
      But I can say, without a shadow of a doubt that I had a great childhood BECAUSE of her!!!

  5. That had to be mortifying but she did ask you to have them on hand. It was like opening the door to saying it was OK to be having sex. Geez. I have informed both of my kids who are now 8 and 13 respectively that if they even THINK about having sex I am arming them with condoms and birth control. They will be right there in the bathroom available if they need them and they better use them!! HA HA HA! Better to be safe than sorry.

    1. My mom always spoke very openly about things, often too open for the comfort of her teenaged son! Lol
      But she did give some good advice!!! ;-)

  6. Oh the embarassment made me turn red. But you're a quick thinker and handled the situation like a true pro. Glad you turned the blame on Mom and guilt too. You were the good son, obediently following her advice. Nice post. I have a son so know what to do and say now.

    1. And hopefully what NOT to do too! Lol!!!

  7. As a mother who may or may not have embarrassed her son and/sons in a similar fashion I find this to be absolutely hysterical! Hahahahahahahaha!

    1. MiMi, you didn't?!?!? Hopefully not in front of the girlfriend....I hear that evil laugh!!!